Y'all remember back in March 2009 when I was at dinner, bit into a cupcake and my molar broke in half? And then how at the dentist the next day the dr. told me that my OTHER molar had a big old crack in it and it too was likely to break and fall off but that because of where the crack is it would hurt like a mother and be really bad for me? Do y'all remember how then he chipped away at my cracked (not broken) molar to create a little stub of a tooth and put on a temporary crown for several weeks and how during the Conference that I run the PR for I was so hopped up on Ibuprofen that I could have been hit by a bus and not felt it because I was in some of the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life (and that included when I tore my meniscus cartilage in my knee)? And do you remember how the dr. told me that he didn't want to do a root canal yet because he thought it was maybe just the tooth acting up and it needed time to settle down? And how that was okay with me because he'd run through my whole insurance already on his other little experiments and I didn't have $1300 to drop on my teeth when I had just booked a vacation to Hawaii for my birthday? And how I basically spent the whole summer with a crappy temporary crown and so I couldn't really eat things like steak? And how that was actually pretty good for me because I ended up losing 12 pounds but was kind of bitchy because I couldn't eat good food? And then do you remember how when I was in Kona for my birthday my tooth started hurting so bad that I cried for the entire last day of our trip and my face swelled up and my face was throbbing so I tried to pull off the fake ass crown because I was convinced it was the culprit and then two days after we got back from our vacation I had to go into an emergency root canal because the tooth did not settle down and instead was all jacked and had gotten infected and was causing me not only immense pain but also a fever? And do you remember how I realized that not only can I not take Vicodin but Percocet and Oxycontin are also off the table for me so I had to result to a lot of whiskey to dull the pain? And then how when I finally did get the root canal and the fancy super expensive it cost your whole new insurance allotment crown that my tooth - even though supposedly it has no nerves - continued to hurt. And how off and on for these past few months I'd feel a strange pressure on the right side of my mouth and I thought it was a cavity in the tooth NEXT to my fake ass expensive fancy pants molar and so I had decided to find a new dentist and get it looked at? Well, that plan has gone to hell in a hand basket because MY FAKE ASS EXPENSIVE FANCY PANTS BUT IS REALLY QUITE SHITTY molar just randomly fell off my frakking stub of a tooth. Seriously, I'm sitting here working and my tooth starts to hurt. I tweet about how my teeth hurt and five minutes later when I touch the sucker with the tip of my tongue, the stupid shitty piece of shit thing JUST FALLS OFF. So now I'm sitting here with a stump of a tooth and while the stump itself doesn't hurt, the jawbone does and - strangely - the stupid tooth next to where my stumpy tooth is located. I tried calling the dr.'s office for an emergency visit but they're like, "we're closed, leave a message" and the answering machine cuts off after 5 seconds. So I call back to get the emergency number which is apparently a Google Voice number and the phone rings, and rings, and rings, and then rings 6 more times for good measure. Then I leave another voicemail. Those assholes better make time to see me tomorrow because I am not going to live with a stump of a tooth that makes me look like a hillbilly when I have in-person client meetings this week.
This post is brought to you by Amy Winehouse who apparently CAN take pain killers.